Adventures in Gardening – Part 1

This is the first spring in our house. The previous owners had a garden at some point and we inherited their little garden area with the purchase of the house. My father-in-law cleaned up our backyard last year, including the garden area. Thanks to puppy running through the dirt, we had the perfect place to plant our first garden. So starts our adventure, with tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, jalapenos, green bell peppers, cantaloupe, and watermelon.  We even bought a dwarf lemon tree! I’m not keen on the work the garden will take to maintain, but I’m looking forward to the end product!

Unexpected Gifts

Some days God points out how much he loves me in predictable ways. Some days, His gifts are totally unexpected.

1. Unexpected money just in time for Christmas
2. Open enrollment for insurance at work – with lower insurance costs
3. Starbucks gift card
4. Morning sale on Etsy
5. Support from people I love
6. Finally getting our puppy to calm down in the evening 

Where do I fit in?

In the midst of cornfields and soybean fields stand these 2 trees. Out of place, they stand out among the background. Perhaps there are more trees nearby, across the street or just behind me as I take the picture…I’m not sure. But in my field of vision, they are alone and lonely.

I feel as if I’m having a bit of an identity crisis as of late. I have a lot going on in my life, and I find myself unable to focus on all of it and give everything the attention it deserves. I am drowning in myself. Between work, crocheting, my husband, our new puppy, the future…I can’t figure out what demands more of my attention and what deserves more of my attention. Most of all, I can’t seem to figure out where I fit in to my own life.

Home has been feeling less and less like home. We bought a new house in July, and it feels homey…that’s certainly not the problem. There’s just something out of place. I was having coffee with a friend last week, and was sharing about life with her, and in the midst of the conversation about a particular place she said “Well, you should move there. It sounds like that’s where your heart is.” As I ruminated on the truth of that statement, I became overwhelmed with how much that place feels like home, and how unlikely it is that we will in fact move there. My husband is a planner, and while I admire this about him in many areas, it hinders him from taking a step of faith. One of our pastors always says “A step of faith moves the heart of God.” I feel like I’m so lost I wouldn’t even know where to place my step to face myself in the right direction, much less which direction to walk in.

My thoughts are scattered, as is this post…and for that, I’m sorry. But as I write out my thoughts, I hope to figure out who I am now, and how to get to who I want to be. Returning to my roots, as soon as I figure out where I left them.

His Love Notes

Short and sweet today.  My God loves me, and He loves to remind me

1. Unexpected inflow of extra cash coming soon
2.  A hat sold on Etsy!
3. Venti Peppermint White Mocha
4. Catching up with a friend
5. Revelation
6. Our new puppy, Achilles
7. Seeing my husband’s soft heart toward our puppy, a vision of how he will be with our children
8.  Meeting a friend’s adorable puppy
9. Free lunch!
10. Christmas music to get me through my day
11. Brownies, baked by my husband
12. Coming home to dinner ready after work
13. A sweet picture of dear Emma
14. Realizing I can have more than one home, and I don’t have to choose just one
15. An adorable video of our puppy
16. 1 more day of work before a 3-day weekend!
17. Deciding not to give up, even though it’s not easy
18. Reminders of how much my husband does to make my life easier
19. Silly stories
20. Scarves! 

Yours, Mine and Ours

I love this movie. I’ve only seen the remake, not the original, but I just adore it. Like the Brady Bunch, it’s 2 families coming together and working through their differences, ultimately ending up as 1 family. Even without the kids, marriage is like this.

My husband and I had a little argument tonight over money, specifically credit card debt. (Okay, not so much an argument as a conversation during which I raised my voice and slammed a laundry basket on the ground…maturity is not always my strong point. I blame it on being an only child, and the youngest of 5 combined stepchildren. What can you do?) After 4 1/2 years of marriage, I still find us using “mine” and “yours” to describe almost everything.  There’s not as much “ours” as there should be, unless it’s convenient for both of us to call something “ours”. Tonight’s credit card “discussion” was about my credit cards, and how I charged them up after we had paid them off. I shot back with pointing out that a) I’m paying my credit cards off myself; and b) he charged up his credit card and we’re paying it off, and I’m not asking him to pay mine off, too. I was simply telling him that I need him to go pick up his check from work on Friday, even though he has the day off, so I can make my credit card payments on time. I’m not even sure how it turned into an argument!

If I acquired his debt when we got married, didn’t he acquire mine? And not only until it was paid off, but for the rest of our marriage? Why so much “yours” and “mine”? And will it ever stop?!

Are you listening?

There are days when I feel God is probably yelling at me, and I’m just not hearing Him.  There are days when He needs only to say something once and I get it.  And then there are the days when He uses someone else’s painful situation to speak to me.  Those are the days I dislike most.

I’m prone to selfish tendencies – I’m the baby of the family, having 4 older step-siblings, and I’m also an only child, having no biological siblings.  I’m a princess, and I act the part much of the time.  I try not to be selfish, but oftentimes I end up unintentionally turning things around to be about me.  So, when God does this intentionally, I get frustrated.

Today was a combination day.  He spent the day yelling at me, and rounded it out with getting through to me via a conversation about a painful time my cousin is going through.  2-for-1 day for me.

Our pastor spoke this morning on having an unstoppable spirit – part 3 in a 3-part series.  Society has taught us that we can get everything fast – we’re becoming microwave Christians.  Pastor reminded us that some things just take time. Phone call #1 from God…not answering yet.

Toward the end of service he talked about not losing your fire and passion to go after what God has given you.  Phone call #2 from God…still not answering.

We went to buy stuff for our new puppy who is coming home (hopefully) next weekend.  I found myself anxious as I opened all the packages and put everything away, finding a spot for his bed and his toys, hanging up his leash…anxious for him to arrive.  Wishing he would get here early.  Wondering how I would make it through 9 months of pregnancy when I get there, waiting for that baby to arrive, since I’m having such a hard time with waiting a couple weeks.  A little voice in my head said “Some things just take time.”  Phone all #3 from God…clearly not getting good reception.

When I got home, I caught up on my blogroll reading, and learned my cousin has lost another baby.  I hollered at my husband to let him know.  He’s sympathetic to what’s happening, but he doesn’t always voice it well.  He responded “At what point do you give up?”  He’s being a practical male in an unpractical situation.  I responded, “Never.  She’s not giving up.  God has promised her another baby.”  BAM.  Loud and clear God.

Some things just take time.  Caleb waited 45 years to see God’s promise to him fulfilled.  Abraham waited more than 20 years to see the birth of his son Isaac.  Some things just take time.  I have my promise from God.  I believe He holds true to His promises.  Some things just take time, and in the meantime, I don’t give up.  I can’t give up.  If I give up, what do I have left?

I heard Him loud and clear, but I hate that He had to use the pain of someone I love to get through to me.  I don’t want to make it about me, but this was clearly an important message that I was just not receiving any other way.  I’ll listen harder next time, God.

Hostessing

It’s been a little more than a week since the last post, but I think I can still consider this part of my “postaweek2011″ category.

We’ve been in our house for just shy of 3 months now.  It’s crazy!  I feel like just yesterday I was stressing about how we were going to get everything packed and moved.  Tomorrow we’re having our first dinner party.  It’s just my family, so I don’t feel as much pressure to make it perfect.  I’ve found, however, that no matter who is coming over, or how many, there is still a LOT to do to get ready for your visitors.

I also realize at this moment how MUCH there is to do before our house is where we want it.  There’s a lot to buy, a lot to fix, a lot to upgrade.  Our house is cute, but still so much to do.  And no money to do it!  Funny how that happens.

Short tonight, but I promise I have something much better for you later this week!

Strength in the face of tragedy

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.                                       -Psalm 28:7-

I often find myself wondering how I would fare if tragedy struck my life.  The death of my parents is imminent, but what if it happened earlier than expected?  What if I suddenly lost my husband?  What if I get gravely ill?  And my worst fear, what if I lose a child, a child I’ve been promised by my God?  Am I strong enough to handle these situations?  What would I do?  Would I press in to those who care about me, or would I isolate myself from the world.  Would I let my friends and family see me grieve, or would I hide it and pretend I’m doing fine.

I have friends and family who have lost children – in the beginning of a pregnancy, in the middle, in the end, after birth.  It’s a tragedy I think I could never come out of, and I always watch how they respond.  I’ve seen them hide, I’ve seen them grieve in private, and I’ve seen them share their grief and the daily struggle it is to go forward with their lives.  That’s a strength I fear I don’t have.

I’m a self-saboteur.  I keep my own happiness at arm’s length.  What if I let it in, and it hurts?  I’ll never recover.  I’m not strong enough.

Or am I?  Is there a strength in me I don’t even know I have?  My heart trusts in him and he helps me.  Life does go on, one step at a time, one day at a time.  There are reminders of our hurt, of our fears, but there are also reminders of our strength, of HIS strength.  The LORD is my strength and my shield.  I do not have to be strong enough to get through life’s tragedies.  I only need to enjoy the little things that make life great, allow myself to be happy, and trust that I am covered.

My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

I’m posting every week for the rest of 2011

I’ve decided I want to blog more. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting right now.  I will be posting on this blog at least once a week for the rest of 2011.

I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, awesome and wonderful. Therefore I’m promising to make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.

If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way.

Rachel

Running on empty

I’m notorious for waiting until the last minute to fill my car up with gas. I’ve never run out of gas (knock on wood), but I push it to the edge. Most cars, mine included, have a light that comes on when you’re getting close to the end of your tank. Almost 8 years of owning my car led me to the discovery of another facet of that light – the blinking gas light. I know when it starts blinking I still have a couple more miles before I run out.

I wish life came with a gas light. I feel like I’ve been running on empty the last couple weeks, and I would have appreciated a little warning before it happened. Just a little blinking light to tell me that I needed to stop and take a break because the road ahead is long and there’s nowhere along the way to fill up.

I’ve taken on more at work, as a coworker exited on maternity leave; my own normal workload increased; I gained a new protege to train; I’ve been working overtime almost everyday; I’m crocheting like crazy to make enough items for the craft fair I’m involved in this December, and trying to make blankets in time for the baby showers coming up. It’s a never-ending list of stuff to do, places to be, and I don’t have the energy for it. Saturday mornings should be a time to sleep in – sleep I desperately need – but I find myself instead stressing out about how much time I’ll be losing if I sleep later than normal. Then I do sleep a little later, wake up frustrated, and end up not starting to work on anything of substance until a few hours later…thus costing me precious time and stressing me out more.

How’s a girl to balance work and life with a little much needed and well deserved rest, when she doesn’t have the time to take a break?